A new baseball season! And to go with that, my running commentary of the Yankees-Boston opener.
7:02 – Okay, I’m already sick of the crowd shots at Yankee Stadium. Hey look! There’s Billy Crystal! There’s a guy with his face painted with the Yankee logo and colors! Yankee fans - Shut The hell up. Let’s watch the goddamn game.
7:04: And here they are, folks. The most boring duo in sports, Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. Joe Morgan looks like he’s lost five pounds in his face. There’s a reason these two clowns call the Sunday night game. They put you to sleep.
7:11 And this first pitch is…wait they’re showing the crowd again. Look at all the flashbulbs! Wait, is there a game going on? Damn it! Keep the camera on the field.
7:12 Johnny Damon, you’re not going to going to bunt the 1-2 pitch from Randy Johnson. Pay attention! Seriously, Damon is the most overrated player in the American League behind Derek Jeter
7:14 Edgar Renteria strikes out looking. Looking bewildered actually. Look alive, Edgar.
7:15 Strike three to Manny Ramirez. Okay, that pitch was nasty. Johnson’s on today.
7:16 Jamey throws the remote to Pat, managing to toss it directly into Pat’s Qdoba bag. Pat is indifferent and goes back to his burrito He mentions that Hot Shot’s in Fenton should run a disclaimer in its ad to let people know it's not really a strip club.
7:19 David Wells is fat. Holy shit, is he fat!
7:19 Give that hit back, Jeter. Seriously. That’s bad luck to start a season with such an ugly hit like that.
7:22 Shot of Kevin Millar holding the runner at first. Haircut, man. And a shower.
7:24 Shot of Giambi in the dugout. Pat: “How come Giambi always looks like he got out of the shower?” Good question.
7:29 Ortiz smacks the ball down the line. Watch Ortiz do the Ortiz hustle down the line! Watch him slide! Man I love that guy.
7:31 Holy shit! Hideki Matsui leaps above the wall in left and robs Millar of a home run. Jamey: “Matsui smiled! That’s the first time he’s every smiled!”
7:34 Randy Johnson should retire. Jay Payton just got a hit to drive in the first run. Jay freaking Payton.
7:38 Another dirty Red Sox. Uh…another Red Sock. (?) Rule of thumb: When your hairstyle makes Randy Johnson’s mullet look respectable, it’s time to visit the barber. Mark Bellhorn, I’m looking at you.
7:40 Crowd shot: Hey it’s Donald Trump….and right next to him is Regis..and right next to him is…Bill…O’Reilly…? What. The. Fuck. Pat: “You couldn’t pay me to sit with those guys.” Second that.
7:44 Giambi gets a polite roar from the crowd. See how long that lasts if he hits .220 this year.
7:45 Brain Cashman looks like a beaten prisoner.
7:53 Damon safe at first. Way to cover first base guys! I’ve seen people in wheelchairs run faster than that.
7:54 Renteria hits into a double play. Good start, man.
7:59 Brian Cashman interview. He gets stumped on a steroids question re: ten days or ten games for a positive test. Cashman: “Uhhhhhh……..I….uhh……” Brian! Who gave you that black eye, Brian. “He loves me. Uh…..”
8:07 Is Renteria drunk? Bend down and pick up that ball! Wait, and now they’re calling that a base hit? What is that like a courtesy to guys new to the AL? First ball you duff we’ll let slide?
8:13 Wells balks home a run. Pull him now.
8:14 And Wells gets out of it. Lucky.
8:42 Giambi stretches out and ends up sprawled in the dirt but somehow manages to hold onto Jeter’s wide throw. Hell of a play.
8:43 Oh. Godzilla may be the coolest name in baseball. Maybe.
8:47 How many times is Wells going to hit Giambi tonight?
9:06 Now pitching…number 59…Blaine Neal. Who the fuck is Blaine Neal?
9:10 The Red Sox are living proof that defense in baseball is overrated. Johnny Damon just let a base hit bounce away not once, but twice. Of course, Manny is no where near the play to back up. Conclusion? Anytime you hear somebody praise a ball player’s “solid defensive skills,” that translates to, “Can’t hit worth a damn.”
9:11 A-Rod tags from second to third on a ball hit to Manny Ramirez, the left fielder. How often do you see a guy tag from second to third on the left fielder? Almost never on someone not named Manny Ramirez.
9:12 Well, see ya later Blaine Neal. Not that your defense helped you out much.
9:16 Shot of A-Rod in the dugout. He looks like he’s got a bad, fake tan. Too orange.
9:21 ESPN brings us an update of the women’s NCAA final four. Thanks for the update guys. Which sport is that again? Pat: “I have that in my bracket.”
9:26 Tino! I know he’s overrated, but I’ve always liked Tino.
9:30 And that’s why Tino is on the team. Diving plays like that. Awesome.
9:31 New feature on Sunday night baseball. “Sunday Night Sound Check” This week: Fat Joe! There’s Mr. Joe, trying to talk about how much he loves baseball. I think that’s what he’s saying. What the hell is going on here?
9:41 Renteria throws the ball away, Womack safe at first. Feels weird typing that since both those guys played here last year. Renteria’s got to be nervous. This has been a shitty game for him.
9:56 Morgan and Miller are debating the A-Rod/Arroyo slap last year during the playoffs. I think it was bushleague, Pat disagrees and says why not try it. Joe Morgan agrees with Pat, saying A-Rod’s slap at the ball was worth a try. Pat: “I change my position.”
10:01 I’m zoning out in this game. Miller on Matsui robbing Millar of a homerun: “In basketball that would have been goaltending.” Pat: “Nice, Jon Miller. Mixed Sports metaphors. (imitating Miller) ‘In football, that would have been an interception.’”
10:04 Godzilla goes deep. 3 hits for him. Jon Miller: “Sayonara!” Pat: “Goddamnit.”
10:06 And the crowd goes wild for Tino. They’re standing and chanting his name. “Let’s Go Tino!” Tino wants to hit this ball 800 feet. He settles for the walk. That takes a lot of discipline in that situation.
10:08 Pan camera to Paul O’Neil in the YES broadcast booth. O’Neil’s expression says, “I still hate all of you.”
10:10: Jon Miller: “The high cheese. That’s like the high heat. Or throwing gas. The high gas.” Joe Morgan: “Or like the low gas.” Pat: “I’m going home.”
10:17 Bases loaded and Jeter hits a dribbler back to the pitcher, Halama. And it goes Right through Halama’s legs. This is what happens kids when you, as a collective team, use spring training to go on a thirty day bender.
10:23 Michelle sends me a message: “I think they're (Red Sox) just not used to being on the winning end of things.” Me: “I think they're just not used to the sober end of things.”
10:23 (still): The lameness of my joke embarrasses me. I apologize to myself.
10:27 Tom Gordon comes in and promptly gives up a run. Meaningless to the outcome of the game, but enough to disturb my fantasy stats. Thanks, Flash.
10:31 Gordon strikes out the last batter to end this nightmare of a game.
Summary: Turns out I still dislike or hate the following things: The New York Yankees, The Boston Red Sox, Jon Miller, Joe Morgan, Yankees fans, baseball’s drama queen antics. Things I still love: baseball.
hooray for a fun post. awe. I miss you guys already. and I can't believe I visited while downtown was flooded with basketball as opposed to baseball.
but, hey, the NCAA final four gave St. Louis good news coverage, and two articles have appeared about the city's downtown development in the past week in the Times:
p.s. one of the women I work with at S&P went to Wash U -- back in '92 when Cicero's was next to Blue Hill, which used to be a hole in the wall until it took over Cicero's space & knocked down the walls; and the metro link wasn't even built yet
Posted by: Lori on April 8, 2005 12:09 PMThis is my favorite thing you've ever written. More baseball! Less anger!
Posted by: Arianna on April 9, 2005 02:18 PM